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Archive for April 7th, 2009
They had two children, a girl and boy, now grown and with families of their own. Along the way there were some dark periods, such as when the daughter went through a time—during her teenage years—of feeling like a second-class citizen because she was a female; and when the son felt Tom was using his wealth to try to control and dominate his life. But throughout such episodes there was a commitment to family communication that kept things from getting out of hand. “We’d have regular family meetings in the den, and we’d all spill our guts until things calmed down,” Terry says. “It wasn’t easy. In fact, there were days we all wanted to kill each other. But we got through it.”
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Each time he says “Not really,” she must accept that without showing emotion. In other words, she must not take it personally if he is not interested, but instead continue in a neutral way, trying to find the spot or method that excites him. By not taking it personally, she will probably be reversing a trend that has gone on in their marriage for some time. However, by overcoming her old feelings, she will both grow and help him to grow as well.
The impasse that has kept this couple uninterested has to do with either a need to be right, a need for an apology (that is, to be paid for suffering), or a desire for revenge (keeping the other at an emotional distance due to unconscious spite). The typical female spouse resists this game by thinking, “Why should I try to excite or give him pleasure when he never cares about me?” This is the core of the impasse—both spouses waiting for the other to come around. All this must be given up when one deliberately tries to excite the partner.
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For example, Christina Hoff Sommers notes, in another recent book (Who Stole Feminism?), that radical feminists are so intent on portraying men as abusers that they are willing to bend statistics to make their point. She cites Gloria Steinem’s quote in The Revolution From Within that “In this country alone . . . about 150,000 females die of anorexia each year.” Steinem got this statistic from a book by another feminist who got it from another book by another feminist who noted that eating disorders “are an inevitable consequence of a misogynistic society that demeans women … by objectifying their bodies.” The third book purported to get its statistics from the American Anorexia and Bulimia Association. However, when Sommers called the AABA, she found that there were 150,000 sufferers of anorexia, not 150,000 fatalities. There were actually 54 deaths from anorexia in 1991!
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The wife presumably will not so easily let go of the anger she has nurtured for so long. However, the husband should be prepared for this response and steel himself to counter all her negative responses with positive ones. The session may progress in various ways. “I have more than a few roses,” he may say—or, “I know just how angry you are at me, and I’m asking you to just give me a chance this one evening to begin to make up for all the pain. As the Chinese proverb states, “A hike of a thousand steps begins with the first step.”
The husband may prepare a candlelight dinner (or even have a catered dinner); give the wife a luxurious bubble bath; sing a special song written for her (or, if he is not up to that, play it as sung by a friend, via tape). The song should be ultra-romantic, extolling the wife’s virtues—her beautiful eyes, her winsome smile, her bounteous cooking, etc. However, the coup de grace will come when he gently nudges her toward the bedroom.
“Where are we going?” the wife may ask, still skeptical. “You’ll see.”
“I don’t believe you. What are you up to?”
“I’m not up to anything. I’ve just decided to be nice to you.”
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Players: Husband and wife. Activists: Both. Setting: Home.
Aim: To integrate responsibility and sexuality.
Game Plan: This is a simple exercise that a husband and wife can practice regularly several times a week, just as some people go to a gym and work out. Only this is a lot more fun.
The husband and wife go to their bedroom and, after their usual foreplay, get into a position of sexual intercourse in which they are face-to-face. This could be one in which he is sitting on an armless chair and she is straddling him, or they are lying side-by-side, or they are in the standard “missionary” position. When they are in place and have begun the act of intercourse, they should look into each other’s eyes and say something like the following:
He: “I’m having sex with you, and I take responsibility for having sex with you.”
She: “I’m having sex with you, and I take responsibility for having sex with you.”
He: “I’m looking at you, and I’m taking responsibility for my feelings.”
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