Natural Health and Herbal Remedies Blog

The Hero: Heroes use their disease as a flag of battle. They become so involved in their war against illness that they forget or neglect the tenderness of intimacy. “No way I’ll give into this,” reported the wife with lupus. “I’ll read every minute about it, I’ll exercise, I ’11 see every expert in this world or any other.” Her husband could not understand this total involvement in the battle against the disease. “I know we have to fight this thing, but what about the rest of life? Can’t we love and laugh too, love and laugh as much as we fight and struggle?”

“Maybe you can, but I’m the one who will prove them wrong. I can handle this alone if I have to,” was the wife’s response. “I haven’t got time to play around. Every minute I waste is a minute I give to the disease. I ’11 feel like making love after I feel like I take care of this first.” She failed to understand that “taking care” of this disease depended in part on taking care of her marriage and sexuality at the same time. Heroes find themselves eventually alone, even in victory over the disease. They become victorious warriors with no one to share the victory.

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Super sex requires super love, a love that is possible only in a relationship that lasts; a nurtured love that is “raised,” much as a child is raised. We focus so much on independence that we have fogotten the value of interdependence. We have searched for the joy of sex, forgetting that there is no joy in just “doing.” The joy of marital sex is discovered through a super love, the total, voluntary merging with someone else over time. This love contains no secrets, protects the individuality of each partner while resulting in a combination that exceeds the individual capacities of both partners. It changes and grows in response to both partners. It includes a sexual interaction based on an entirely new view of orgasm and intercourse. It provides an opportunity for growth and feedback about each partner’s own behavior. It is as challenging as it is supportive. It is a love system, and we are at the same time able to experience it and be it.

Shapiro and Shapiro examine the “super healthy” relationship in their article “Weil-Being and Relationship.” They point out that is is sometimes easier to love humanity in the collective, abstract sense than in a committed, interpersonal sense. They describe the super love I am suggesting as a relationship that “one cannot take credit for, but to which one must contribute to the utmost of one’s ability, which one marvels at and is privileged to be part of.” I hope Part One of this book has helped you get ready to take part in what the Shapiros have called “a type of miracle.”

This miracle is possible not through spontaneous, romanticized, intense, “hot” love, but through considered, realistic, steady, “warm” loving, a process of being one with someone else while still being “one” for yourself. By paying attention to what can happen to desexualize a marital relationship, understanding the rules of how systems grow and flourish, bonding and rebonding with your spouse, you are able to move beyond the eight love lies at the beginning of this chapter to a true loving allowing the merger of two love maps for a new and exciting journey to super marital sex.

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